Welcome. I’m Katie Merrell, a Celebrant from the Ethical Humanist Society of Chicago, an organization committed to the belief that humans have the capacity to be kind, to be caring, and to make decisions and commitments that beneit our world and all its inhabitants. As a Celebrant, I feel fortunate to help people mark life transitions, whether it’s celebrating the union of two people in marriage or the life of a friend when they die.
As human beings, we are drawn together to share these moments that transform our lives. As Robin Wall Kimmerer writes, “...ceremonies are the way we ‘remember to remember’.”
In the case of death, we often feel a mix of emotions – a sense of the loss of shared tomorrows along with a renewed appreciation of all the shared yesterdays. It is comforting to be with others as we remember what has come before and imagine what lies ahead of us in this new reality. It helps us remember to remember.
At such a time, the various faiths that sustain us separately come together in a harmony that acts across all creeds and assures us of the permanence of goodness, the inspiration of love, the value of a serviceable life. Universally, we are drawn to speak of those qualities that we treasured in our friend, and by speaking of them, they become vital and enduring, and they grow in us so that we take on what was noble and become more noble ourselves. We want to remember to remember.
Today’s service for Jean Doan is a tapestry of grief and gratitude, loss and celebration. It is a reminder of how we belong to one another because of the memories we share of her and how she helped us be our best selves. We remember Jean from our separate perspectives as wife, friend, mother, sibling, colleague. We remember the parts of her life that belong speciically to each of us. And we recognize the parts of ourselves that were affected by knowing her.
This week, I have had the good fortune of learning about Jean and getting a small glimpse into her love for life, travel, and her cat. Perhaps more importantly, I have seen the incredible community that she was part of, a community that comes together today to relect on the big and small things 2 that made Jean a unique person to each of you. I’m truly in awe of Jean’s character as it has been shown to me over the past few days – her capacity to love, to live with truth, and to provide grace to others was immense. I have come to understand Jean as someone who was able to find joy in everything:
in learning and thinking, whether about dinosaurs or the politics of dress codes or the real meaning of a poem;
in being anywhere, whether exploring in a sidestreet in London, in Makanda, IL to watch the solar eclipse, or hanging out in her home with Ruth and their friends;
in being a friend, whether it meant singing a song out loud or forgiving and knowing that next time will be better.
And now we will hear more about Jean and how she touched those who loved her from a few of those people, through both their own stories and through a couple of readings that Ruth selected.
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In one of our conversations this week, I mentioned to Ruth the interview of actor Andrew Garfield in which he was asked about playing the role of Jonathon Larson, the creator behind the musical RENT who died at a young age, soon after his own mother had died. I had been struck by Garfield’s reply, which went viral, and it turns out Ruth and Jean had also discussed it and that Jean had loved it, not just for the RENT connection but for the thought itself.
Garfield replied to the question about grieving his mother not with deflection or platitudes, but with what feels to me incredible clarity and honesty:
I hope this grief stays with me. This is all of the unexpressed love. The grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter whether someone lives until 60 or 15 or 99. I hope this grief stays with me because it’s all of the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her, and I told her every day, she was the best of us.
I’ve always thought that the grief we feel when we lose someone is a reflection of the love that doesn’t have any place to go. But it’s important to remember that it’s not the only way that that unshared love is reflected. Please know that your love for Jean isn’t only in the grief that you feel today, but will be part of the joy that I hope will find you in the coming days.
Thank you all for being here together as we reflect on our thoughts and memories of Jean and her amazing life. They are what brought us here and they are the bond that holds us together – a bond of love, sadness, compassion, goodwill, and 5 hope.
By being together, we comfort one another and we comfort ourselves. There is no greater tribute we can pay to Jean than to be inspired by our memories of her, draw closer to one another in friendship and love, and move forward in our new reality, carrying with us the best of what she brought into our lives.
Everyone is welcome to join us at the interment of the ashes, though we know this may be particularly difficult for some. Either way, we look forward to seeing you at the reception.
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I’d like to share a final thought before Ruth and the others make their tribute to Jean.
I know you will all carry a piece of Jean with you in your hearts wherever you go. It may spill out in moments of joy, perhaps when you’re singing a RENT song out loud with a friend, and in moments of sadness, when the unexpressed love Andrew Garfield spoke of feels too hard to hold on to. Placing Jean’s ashes here claims this little corner of the earth for her and for those who love her.
This place will always be here for you to come and share that joy and that sadness.
This is a place where you can always come when you want to remember to remember.